Watching Sara Jessica Parker’s character in the movie I don’t know how she does it used to be a very good representation of my life EXCEPT I didn’t have the nanny who took my baby for his first haircut LOL. The truth is if you don’t really know me you would not recognize the changes I have made in my life because at the end of the day I always portrayed the image of I’M GOOD. But much of that was a lie, the reality is I was dying slowing inside and playing the role of the ideal Christian Professional wife and mother. Until I had one of many breaking points and I found my self asking how did I get HERE…this here literally broke and humbled me, I was an overweight, workaholic who’s marriage was falling apart and children looked forward to me traveling because then grandma would cook great food. Imagine leaving for a business trip and your kids didn’t even want to come to the airport and travel was a big part of my job. My husband and would not talk for days just co existing so our kids and others from the outside did not realize how much we loathed each other. I would justify my behavior by saying how much my husband did not support or love me. I would return from a business trip and no asked how it went nor would they share what was happening in their world. I remember crying out to God that I did not want to continue on this path and I started on a quest of getting Naked with God. I began spending time with God every day and was NOT prepared for what her revealed to me. He showed me I had made choices to from ignoring him to investing my time in things that did not matter. It didn’t matter how I arrived at my breaking point and although that was very painful reality I am thankful for the Grace God has shown me in spite of myself.
As I reflect on my life, I have had many HERE moments. For example, when I left my Engineering job at GM to be at home with my babies. I loved that life until I saw some I knew professionally then I would hide in the mall or grocery store because I didn’t want the disapproving response when I shared my choice. When baby 3 had arrived and I had a bad mommy moment and asked HOW did I wind up driving a minivan in sweats. I was supposed to be climbing the corporate ladder and felt I was failing at mom duties while destroying my career. Going to grad school and raising my babies I was happy just to get class until I felt I could not contribute to the workplace conversations. When I transitioned back to the workplace I felt like I had something to prove in the beginning working CRAZY hours while neglecting the things that were the most important to me: Time with God, Spouse, and my three children. Still not sure why none of these moments did not have me call our to God’s sooner but I don’t question the timing I grateful for where I am today.
I may never know how she does it…but I know how I DO IT. These are a few things that helped me stop doing live and start living authentically.
- Spending time with God is not negotiable, I commit to spending time in my word before talking to anyone else in the morning
- I accepted how God created me. I think Sara says it best in the movie about the working women (if you have ten seconds click here)
- I am very intensional with my time
- When I mess up I am kind to myself because I know God loves me no matter what. Image that kind of love it still almost brings me to tears
Whew…I cannot believe I am posting this. It took me days to obey something I have felt in my spirit to share. Telling the ugly truth has been difficult for me in the past because I used to be bound by judgement of others. Those chains have been broken and this is just the beginning. I have made a commitment to be obedient to God’s assignment and sharing my story is not about me and if it helps Christian Professional Working woman who are currently suffering in silence. Just wanted you to know you are not alone.